Look, Star of Siam, it's over.
I haven't ordered from you for over a year, and it's really time for you to move on and find some other customers. We didn't even see each other very long. Sure, I took you to a party once, but that doesn't mean I was ready to commit. At that time in my life, I was ordering from a few restaurants, just trying to find the one that was right for me. And... well... I have.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, but Bai Plu Thai and I have been seeing each other for quite some time now. Bai Plu satisfies me in ways you never could, Star of Siam. The food arrives hotter, the chili paste is spicier, and, to be perfectly honest with you, the satay sticks are longer. And meatier. I know that you had a faster delivery time, but that isn't always better. Also, my friends and family just like Bai Plu better. I'm not trying to be hurtful, that's just how it is.
So, seriously, you need to stop leaving menus on my porch. It's just embarrassing for you, and it's getting a little bit creepy.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Fattest Girl on a Budget
Times are tough, folks. There is no escaping that fact, as the news, the politicians, and random strangers who are mad about how much stuff costs are constantly reminding us. However, in a land of excess such as LA, I know people are finding it hard to tighten their ostrich-skin Prada belts. With that in mind, I have decided to assist those who are new to this whole living on a budget thing by coming up with some recession survival ideas for LA dwellers.
1. Solution-A-Roni
I know food here can get pretty expensive, but you don't want to give up eating things you love. You know I understand that. With a little imagination, though, you can adapt many of your favorite dishes into ramen- or Rice-A-Roni-based home cookin'. Like Beef Stroganoff? A can of chipped beef in some mushroom flavored Pasta-Roni and you won't even know the difference. Thai food? Some chili paste (save your takeout condiments!) in shrimp ramen will do the trick! Tuna tartare or sushi? Throw a can of Bumblebee in pretty much anything. Don't worry, the MSG will only give you a headache for the first week or so. You get used to it.
2. The Greatest Love of All
Gym memberships are quite the money drain for most LA dwellers. But what's to be done? You have to look good, right? Wrong! You just have to think you look good. Attitude is everything. If you think attractive, you'll be attractive. Rather than paying an exorbitant monthly fee, try some positive self-affirmations, buy larger sized clothing and then rip out all the tags (or even *arts and crafts bonus!* change the sizes yourself), or even cover up all your full-length mirrors. Remember, getting thin is costly and time-consuming. Saying "I love you" to yourself in the mirror is cheap and easy!
3. ...Or Not
For those of you who laughed aloud at the concept of loving your body the way it is, have you consider swapping eating disorders? Think of how much money you could save exchanging bulimia for anorexia. With bulimia, you are literally flushing your money down the toilet. Binging can get pretty expensive, even if you are binging on the cheap stuff. Anorexia is free! However, I encourage you to think long-term. While you will be saving a bundle on food in the short run, the medical expenses, therapy, and rehab stays can add up in the future. Not to mention the expense of a funeral, though I suppose by that time you don't really have to worry about it.
4. Let the Sun Shine
Of course I am not going to attempt to talk you out of tanning, dear Angelinos. I understand how important it is for you to bake your skin to match your leather totes. If we weren't meant to tan, there wouldn't be Botox and face lifts to correct the damage once we age, right? And as far as skin cancer goes... well, there will be a cure for cancer by the time that's an issue, I'm sure. So what's to be done about the expense of tanning salons? Fear not, my paling readers, Fat Girl has solved that problem, too. As many of you transplants from the midwest may not know, the Los Angeles area has quite a few beaches. These stretches of open sand are actually open to the public every day. And, believe it or not, Southern California is fairly famous for the amount of sunshine we get. I know, you're new to the area, so obviously you didn't realize that tans could be had for free, and were unnecessarily wasting money in tanning salons because you lacked this information.
You're welcome.
Of course, you could also stop spending money on cover charges, new clubbing outfits, and pricey bar drinks, and stay home a couple nights a week... you're right. That's ridiculous.
1. Solution-A-Roni
I know food here can get pretty expensive, but you don't want to give up eating things you love. You know I understand that. With a little imagination, though, you can adapt many of your favorite dishes into ramen- or Rice-A-Roni-based home cookin'. Like Beef Stroganoff? A can of chipped beef in some mushroom flavored Pasta-Roni and you won't even know the difference. Thai food? Some chili paste (save your takeout condiments!) in shrimp ramen will do the trick! Tuna tartare or sushi? Throw a can of Bumblebee in pretty much anything. Don't worry, the MSG will only give you a headache for the first week or so. You get used to it.
2. The Greatest Love of All
Gym memberships are quite the money drain for most LA dwellers. But what's to be done? You have to look good, right? Wrong! You just have to think you look good. Attitude is everything. If you think attractive, you'll be attractive. Rather than paying an exorbitant monthly fee, try some positive self-affirmations, buy larger sized clothing and then rip out all the tags (or even *arts and crafts bonus!* change the sizes yourself), or even cover up all your full-length mirrors. Remember, getting thin is costly and time-consuming. Saying "I love you" to yourself in the mirror is cheap and easy!
3. ...Or Not
For those of you who laughed aloud at the concept of loving your body the way it is, have you consider swapping eating disorders? Think of how much money you could save exchanging bulimia for anorexia. With bulimia, you are literally flushing your money down the toilet. Binging can get pretty expensive, even if you are binging on the cheap stuff. Anorexia is free! However, I encourage you to think long-term. While you will be saving a bundle on food in the short run, the medical expenses, therapy, and rehab stays can add up in the future. Not to mention the expense of a funeral, though I suppose by that time you don't really have to worry about it.
4. Let the Sun Shine
Of course I am not going to attempt to talk you out of tanning, dear Angelinos. I understand how important it is for you to bake your skin to match your leather totes. If we weren't meant to tan, there wouldn't be Botox and face lifts to correct the damage once we age, right? And as far as skin cancer goes... well, there will be a cure for cancer by the time that's an issue, I'm sure. So what's to be done about the expense of tanning salons? Fear not, my paling readers, Fat Girl has solved that problem, too. As many of you transplants from the midwest may not know, the Los Angeles area has quite a few beaches. These stretches of open sand are actually open to the public every day. And, believe it or not, Southern California is fairly famous for the amount of sunshine we get. I know, you're new to the area, so obviously you didn't realize that tans could be had for free, and were unnecessarily wasting money in tanning salons because you lacked this information.
You're welcome.
Of course, you could also stop spending money on cover charges, new clubbing outfits, and pricey bar drinks, and stay home a couple nights a week... you're right. That's ridiculous.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The Fattest Girl on the Dance Floor
LA Newbie: Fat Girl, I want to go to a club.
Fat Girl: Don't.
Newbie: But, Fat Girl, I want to be an actress. I can meet celebrities and producers at a club in LA.
FG: Right. And I can lose weight if only I eat enough pizza.
Here's the thing. The celebrities, who may or may not be at the club you so frequently and desperately attend do not wait in line. So you will not meet them. Not ever. Because that is where you will be. In line. All night. In really uncomfortable shoes. You couldn't get me in a line like that even if there was a lifetime supply of free Chunky Monkey at the head of it.
Newbie: I won't have to wait in line. I'm really pretty.
FG: So is everybody else.
Newbie: But I have a gorgeous new outfit.
FG: So does everybody else.
Newbie: But I slept with the bouncer.
FG: So has everybody else. The bouncer would make his own grandmother wait in line if she has never been in a movie. And you know you have never been in a movie. Third ass from the left in a crowd scene in the newest Brad Pitt film does not count. I'm not saying you will never get in. Eventually you will. All I'm saying is you will have to wait in line for six hours. Like everybody else.
Newbie: But it will be totally worth it. I'll see tons of celebrities and have so much fun!
FG: First of all, you will probably not see a celebrity. Okay, you might get lucky and see a girl from The Hills, or maybe someone you recognize from Law and Order--
Newbie: I love The Hills!
FG: Of course you do. But as far as anyone who has any power to do anything for your career, they won't be at the club. It's not that celebrities don't go out. It's just that, even in a city as star-filled as Los Angeles, there are more clubs than there are celebrities. The odds are more likely that you will get really drunk, meet someone who looks kind of like some director, and then realize in the morning that he is just the valet.
Newbie: No way. I watch TMZ, celebrities are always at clubs, every single night. I will totally meet one.
FG: Fine, I know, Harvey Levin is a god. But seriously, if lightenting strikes and you do meet a real, honest-to-god celebrity, that person will not talk to you. He will not help your career. He probably won't even look at you. At the most, a very gracious celebrity will thank you for being a fan before his giant gorrilla attendant moves you away.
Newbie: Fat Girl, you're just being cynical. I will get discovered if I go to a club.
FG: Fine. Have fun. Mention me in your Oscar speech. I'm going to go eat some pizza.
Fat Girl: Don't.
Newbie: But, Fat Girl, I want to be an actress. I can meet celebrities and producers at a club in LA.
FG: Right. And I can lose weight if only I eat enough pizza.
Here's the thing. The celebrities, who may or may not be at the club you so frequently and desperately attend do not wait in line. So you will not meet them. Not ever. Because that is where you will be. In line. All night. In really uncomfortable shoes. You couldn't get me in a line like that even if there was a lifetime supply of free Chunky Monkey at the head of it.
Newbie: I won't have to wait in line. I'm really pretty.
FG: So is everybody else.
Newbie: But I have a gorgeous new outfit.
FG: So does everybody else.
Newbie: But I slept with the bouncer.
FG: So has everybody else. The bouncer would make his own grandmother wait in line if she has never been in a movie. And you know you have never been in a movie. Third ass from the left in a crowd scene in the newest Brad Pitt film does not count. I'm not saying you will never get in. Eventually you will. All I'm saying is you will have to wait in line for six hours. Like everybody else.
Newbie: But it will be totally worth it. I'll see tons of celebrities and have so much fun!
FG: First of all, you will probably not see a celebrity. Okay, you might get lucky and see a girl from The Hills, or maybe someone you recognize from Law and Order--
Newbie: I love The Hills!
FG: Of course you do. But as far as anyone who has any power to do anything for your career, they won't be at the club. It's not that celebrities don't go out. It's just that, even in a city as star-filled as Los Angeles, there are more clubs than there are celebrities. The odds are more likely that you will get really drunk, meet someone who looks kind of like some director, and then realize in the morning that he is just the valet.
Newbie: No way. I watch TMZ, celebrities are always at clubs, every single night. I will totally meet one.
FG: Fine, I know, Harvey Levin is a god. But seriously, if lightenting strikes and you do meet a real, honest-to-god celebrity, that person will not talk to you. He will not help your career. He probably won't even look at you. At the most, a very gracious celebrity will thank you for being a fan before his giant gorrilla attendant moves you away.
Newbie: Fat Girl, you're just being cynical. I will get discovered if I go to a club.
FG: Fine. Have fun. Mention me in your Oscar speech. I'm going to go eat some pizza.
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