The Fattest Girl on a Budget

Times are tough, folks. There is no escaping that fact, as the news, the politicians, and random strangers who are mad about how much stuff costs are constantly reminding us. However, in a land of excess such as LA, I know people are finding it hard to tighten their ostrich-skin Prada belts. With that in mind, I have decided to assist those who are new to this whole living on a budget thing by coming up with some recession survival ideas for LA dwellers.

1. Solution-A-Roni
I know food here can get pretty expensive, but you don't want to give up eating things you love. You know I understand that. With a little imagination, though, you can adapt many of your favorite dishes into ramen- or Rice-A-Roni-based home cookin'. Like Beef Stroganoff? A can of chipped beef in some mushroom flavored Pasta-Roni and you won't even know the difference. Thai food? Some chili paste (save your takeout condiments!) in shrimp ramen will do the trick! Tuna tartare or sushi? Throw a can of Bumblebee in pretty much anything. Don't worry, the MSG will only give you a headache for the first week or so. You get used to it.

2. The Greatest Love of All
Gym memberships are quite the money drain for most LA dwellers. But what's to be done? You have to look good, right? Wrong! You just have to think you look good. Attitude is everything. If you think attractive, you'll be attractive. Rather than paying an exorbitant monthly fee, try some positive self-affirmations, buy larger sized clothing and then rip out all the tags (or even *arts and crafts bonus!* change the sizes yourself), or even cover up all your full-length mirrors. Remember, getting thin is costly and time-consuming. Saying "I love you" to yourself in the mirror is cheap and easy!

3. ...Or Not
For those of you who laughed aloud at the concept of loving your body the way it is, have you consider swapping eating disorders? Think of how much money you could save exchanging bulimia for anorexia. With bulimia, you are literally flushing your money down the toilet. Binging can get pretty expensive, even if you are binging on the cheap stuff. Anorexia is free! However, I encourage you to think long-term. While you will be saving a bundle on food in the short run, the medical expenses, therapy, and rehab stays can add up in the future. Not to mention the expense of a funeral, though I suppose by that time you don't really have to worry about it.

4. Let the Sun Shine
Of course I am not going to attempt to talk you out of tanning, dear Angelinos. I understand how important it is for you to bake your skin to match your leather totes. If we weren't meant to tan, there wouldn't be Botox and face lifts to correct the damage once we age, right? And as far as skin cancer goes... well, there will be a cure for cancer by the time that's an issue, I'm sure. So what's to be done about the expense of tanning salons? Fear not, my paling readers, Fat Girl has solved that problem, too. As many of you transplants from the midwest may not know, the Los Angeles area has quite a few beaches. These stretches of open sand are actually open to the public every day. And, believe it or not, Southern California is fairly famous for the amount of sunshine we get. I know, you're new to the area, so obviously you didn't realize that tans could be had for free, and were unnecessarily wasting money in tanning salons because you lacked this information.
You're welcome.

Of course, you could also stop spending money on cover charges, new clubbing outfits, and pricey bar drinks, and stay home a couple nights a week... you're right. That's ridiculous.